The Unknown

Shortly after Troy came to live with us I received multiple emails and phone calls from his teachers and counselors at school letting me know about his behavior. Troy is by no means an aggressive child, but he use to refuse doing school work. He turned in test blank, didn't complete homework, refused to participate in class, and refused to follow simple directions. This child is in all honors classes and test in the top 10% in pre test for each course at the beginning of the school year. He is a smart child! He is a smart child with emotional baggage. Baggage we didn't foresee or know how to handle. Together we are getting a handle on it. When he gets pushed into a corner or is told to complete a task that he just doesn't want to do he shuts down.
The first time I was called to school he was at football. He refused to dress out for a football game and wouldn't speak to anyone. Not friends, teachers, coaches, or me. He looked as if he were inside a shell. His face was blank, he refused to look at anyone and occasionally a tear fell. The very first time I remember sitting in the car at the football game with him and trying everything to get him to talk. If he only knew how much I wished to help him. It was so frustrating spilling my guts to him and pleading that I'm here to help him and he wouldn't respond. He stayed silent for 3 long days!
The second time I was called to school I walked into a full principals office. The counselor, social worker, resource officer, and principal were all there worried sick. He had gone silent again. We found out through a few kids that were called out of class that he was in PE and he didn't want to workout. The coach approached him and he didn't respond.  He just sat there blank and silent.The counselors suggested I send him to a mental hospital to get evaluated and medicated if he did this again. I was clueless as to why he was acting this way. He acts totally fine at home. He gets along well with everyone and often smiles and laughs.  
After many nights crying from frustration I reached out to friends and family to get some suggestions. A wise woman told me, "you don't need to fix him, you just need to be there for him." That comment runs through my mind pretty often. I've learned I can't make him better but I can make him feel loved. That's my job! He has been with us for 9 months now and we've only had two silent episodes. He has gotten a lot better with completing his school work and is slowly opening up. I'm very proud of our progress and look forward to next school year but for now I will just love and support all my children because they deserve it!

In the beginning

   In the beginning....When Troy first came home with us the impact he made on us was far greater than I suspect our impact was on him. At first, my 16 year old was great and his heart was in the right place, a month later he was worried and wanting to find him a new home because he feared Troy would steal his independence from him. Was he going to be asked to his friends houses anymore without his tag-a-long roommate? Was he ever going to have a second alone with his "original" brothers and sister to be himself? Would there ever come a time that he wouldn't have to share his room, his clothes, his space with Troy? For a 16 year old boy these are HUGE thoughts! Not only did he have these thoughts and his regular everyday teenage drama but he also had teachers and coaches wondering what was going on with Troy and asking him to keep an eye on him and keep him motivated. How much pressure can a 16 year old take? Along with all the teenage stress and having a new room mate he also had to watch his dad and I go through so many emotions and worries. The amount of tears I shed in such a few short months made me think I was going through menopause.
   After his mom signed the power of attorney giving us the authority over his medical and educational decisions she showed up at his school twice! This is a woman that has not treated him well at all!! A woman that kicked him out because he gave her an attitude and didn't do the dishes when she asked him to!! This is what she said!  She showed up at school during his football practice then again before the Thanksgiving break. She never got to see him the second time because she wasn't allowed to roam around school but was asked to sit and wait in the office and she didn't feel like she was treated nicely so she left without a word to him. She has not tried to contact us to ask how he's doing, she hasn't answered phone calls and even moved without a forwarding address.  The day she showed up at school and the counselor called me to see what they should do my response was, "she is his mother, she has the right but can you ask him if he wants to see her? Can you let that be his decision?" I waited for hours to find out that she left without seeing him. I was a nervous wreck! I paced around my house that day for hours! When he walked in from school I was shaking so hard and so relieved that he came home and was still smiling!! The joy I received that day was comparable to the joy of delivering my children.
   Through the next several months we all have struggled through the changes. Well, not all of us. Our 4 year old and 9 year old have welcomed him with open arms and open hearts! They have embraced their new brother in a way that moves me to tears! I overheard my 4 year old daughter talking to Troys friends during the spring football game. His friends were having a rough time finding him on the field but not my little lady!! She said, "There he is!! He's the one with curly hair!! Look, there he is! He's kneeling down right there!!" She NEVER mentioned the color of his skin! You see, Troy is black and we are white but for a 4 year old he is simply her brother! He's the "BEST BROTHER EVER!!" She loves him to the moon and back again and our 9 year old thinks he's so cool and immediately included him on all his journal entries and sketches. If only the rest of the world would be that open to change!
   I am not going to candy coat his transition into our family. It's been rough! REALLY ROUGH!! At times I second guess why we took him in. Is he going to appreciate the opportunity he's been given? Heck, are we even going to be good for him. I was a mom of 4 children already, how much can he learn from us? Will he grow up to resent us or respect us? Are the decisions we are making for him going to be the best decisions? Are the emotional roller coaster rides going to lead us to a happy ending? I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm afraid, I'm worried, I'm proud, I'm fulfilled, I'm annoyed, I'm just like all the other moms out there that want the best for their children.  I just want happy, healthy, grateful children. I want my children, when they are presented with life changing decisions, to use their heart and love openly and fully. Accept everyone and invest your love in everyone because EVERYONE deserves unconditional love!
   

Allergy Awareness Week

This week is Allergy Awareness Week. For years my youngest son was uncontrollably hyper, he couldn't focus on homework or complete a simple task that we asked of him. When we looked at his eyes they would be slightly twitching. I was just about to call the doctor to have him tested for ADD when my sister told me about a red dye allergy. I immediately googled it and gave it a try. Within a couple days of removing red dye from his diet he was calm, focused, and well aware of everything around him! Homework use to take 3 hours was now down to 30 minutes! We've noticed our youngest daughter is also sensitive to red dye as well.  I can't help but think about all the children out there that have been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and are now on medication. Please google red dye allergy and educate yourself before medicating your children. If diet change doesn't work speak to your doctor about other choices.
The FDA is aware of the allergy and have made changes to include over the counter dye free medication, dye free drinks, and dye free snacks and cereals. It takes a little bit of time to switch to red dye free but soon enough it will be second nature to sniff out all of your red dye free products! Please spread the word.

Teacher gift

It's so hard to think of a gift for the kids teachers to show our appreciation for their patience and hard work. I'm sure they get plenty of coffee mugs, cups, plants, homemade goods, and stationary so this year I came up with a new idea. I would love to give them each a bottle of wine, heck they deserve it after all they have dealt with whiney kids for the last 9 months but I can't send that to school with my little ones! HA!

This years Teacher gift is a head massager and toe nail polish with a note that reads

"From Head to Toe I'll miss you so.... XOXO"

I sure hope they enjoy it! From personal experience the head massager is a wonderful gift and who doesn't love pretty toes during the summer flip flop and sandal days?!!

A New Child

A little background...I'm the 11th of 14 children; 9 girls 5 boys. My husband is the 1st of 2; he has a brother. Quite a different upbringing. Although the upbringing we received placed us in the direction of the path we are on now. I don't feel like it's worth discussing for now.
My husband and I met in our high school years. He went to a public school, I from a private. We dated for 7 years before we tied the knot. Had our first son 8 months before we were married and then the second shortly after. After struggling to get pregnant we gave up and ended up pregnant 5 yrs later. Then struggled, gave up, and again 5 yrs later had our 4th, a girl. Total= 3 boys and 1 girl.
Fast forward to this past September; I went to a JV football game to watch my 16yr old son and came home with a 14yr old that had recently been kicked out by his mother and couldn't stay with the family he was with. The more the merrier right?! I had never met him but had heard his name here and there.
I am amazed everyday by the trust he has placed in us. At 14, I would have died before moving in with complete strangers and turn my life over to them to make my most important life choices. Not only to complete strangers but also culturally different backgrounds!
This young man was the youngest of 4. He has 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. All were kicked out by their mother for whatever reason. He also survived Leukemia at the age of 5 and has high blood pressure likely caused by his lifestyle/home life. The last time he has seen his dad was when he was about 8.
After a few weeks of having him, his mother signed a power of attorney over to us and washed her hands of her "troubles" and we gained a 5th child!
Now, the day he came home with me just so happened to be my 40th birthday. I had teased my family and friends that I would have a 5th child when I was 40. I never would have thought the child I would have would be a teenager! Our family feels complete now. Weird but true he fits in like he's always been here. There are issues that come up but they are getting fewer as the months go on. I hurt for this child because we all want our parents to want us and be proud of us and he just won't have that....at least for now. Teen years are hard enough on its own, add in the pressure of having a family that couldn't care less for you and its unbearable!